English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
A new level of troll.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Well, that didn’t work.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to