English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy