English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
only 11 steps left
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.