Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?