Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?