Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
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No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”