Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.