Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

tourist season

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.