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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.