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[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Good morning, Twitter x
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree