Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

I cannot stop laughing at this

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”