Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

S O O N

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

Wake me when AI does housework

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.