Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
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I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
when nothing goes right… go left
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.