Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…