Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
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Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!