Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

I love snow

– People who never shovel

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong