“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
me adding lol on a serious message
😅🤣😂
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My wife gives the best headache.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?