“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Omg 🤣
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.