enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
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babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
