Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside