@brendohare

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

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@jilleb163

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

@rodgernash

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

@BoogTweets

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

@brunopieroni

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@nbadag

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

@2sassymom

Me: Whatcha doin?
7: a stupid math paper
Me: why stupid?
7: Sally has 3,000 pennies; really Sally? Get a debit card!