Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Spa day..😅
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage