Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
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Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*