Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
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Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Thursday Thought.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.