Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
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I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Seems legit.
