Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Every haunted house movie:

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

ㅤ

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.