Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

The dark side of Canada

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.