Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
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HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.