Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Monday
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened