Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
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*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
dogs can find happiness so easily
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.