Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once