Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

“HELP WITH CAT”

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.