Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

I’m calling the cops.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Otters see a butterfly.

certified hallow’s eve classic

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.