Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Terribly Tuesday.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
