Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
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*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I was bored.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
A woman drives into a bar.