Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Y’all know who you are.

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do