Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
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Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
