Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

How to find Kentucky on a map

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.