Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

Well well well…

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.