Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

weaknesses

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

problems i need

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance