“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
a public service announcement
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.