Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here