ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
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Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“I FIXED IT!”
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.