I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
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I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
“Describe yourself in three words”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
SOME GIRLS GET BEATEN UP BY THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND STICK AROUND SAYING “I SEE SOMETHING IN HIM” LIKE WTF YOU SEE??? A REMATCH?