Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Always 🥴

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not