Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.