[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
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*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
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We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam