[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.


Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.


Obama: Please just wave.



just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston


Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.


Holy shit, I thought my stepmother showed up at my house dressed as Pennywise, but THANK GOD, it was just him.



me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised


If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I’d spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.


A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.