@dave_cactus

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

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@ReeseButCallMeV

My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.

@PedersenAhmed

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

@anniemalistics

Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.

@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.

@sofarrsogud

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

@SimuLiu

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

@shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.