Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ReeseButCallMeV

My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.

@TheAlexNevil

*dies
*becomes ghost
*weighs self

OH COME ON

@PedersenAhmed

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

@anniemalistics

Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.

@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.

@sofarrsogud

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

@SimuLiu

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

@Marcmywords2

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

@shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

@TheJustinDuncan

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.