Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…