Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.