Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#milo

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.