Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

when you are just born a rebel

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Before & after 😅