I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]
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Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES