Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
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Boating season is upon us.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough