@Home_Halfway

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@FredTaming

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

@onion_an

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

@4SLars

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

@HatfieldAnne

If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.

@Darlainky

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

@UncleDuke1969

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

@LackOfShame

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

@fro_vo

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

@AdderallMomma

“I’ll be black” the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor’s freezer

-The Termintator