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@EliTerry

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

@KielyHealey

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

@lecalabara

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

@tiReynard

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

@MomofTeen

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

@Vice_Queen

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

@wildethingy

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

@jwalkonthemoon

It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.

@NYC_Blonde

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES