smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’ve got 99 problems…
BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
“I’ll be black” the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor’s freezer