Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

This is enough internet for the day.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.