Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

i wish i could marry a nap

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Always 🥴

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!