Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back