Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.