[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
You Might Also Like
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary