@Rollmaninoz

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@ProZD

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

@spies_please

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

@ibid78

You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.

@drumforge

yeah sex is cool but have you tried washing your dishes right after you use them so they never pile up in the sink???

@NewDadNotes

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

@hermanntrude

Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head

Step 1: memorise the following:

1³=1
2³=8
3³=27
4³=64
5³=125
6³=216
7³=343
8³=512
9³=729

Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer

@EndhooS

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

@CarouselMouse

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too