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Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
the noise i just made
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.