Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

Better luck next time champ

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

*shrugs*
*swipes right*