Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.