[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
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the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
another case of gang violins
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE