Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

The cycle continues

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.