Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying