Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.