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ForrestGump
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ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
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mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
best first i’ve ever seen
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.