Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

LOL!

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.