Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

The sacred texts.

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

drew a comic about my origin story

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.