Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.