Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them