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inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.