Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…