Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

shit just got real

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

A decision was made here.

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

i want it utterly assaulted.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*