Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share