Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.