Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me