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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.