Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

*watches the world burn*

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Too easy.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

Velcrow

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!