Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning