Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

Delightful if true: booby trap.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.