Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

🤣

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*