[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.